Christmas

Friday, July 13, 2012

Burnt out and Blessed

I'm there.

I'm beyond exhaustion & totally focusing on me.

Awful.

Right?

It's true though.

I want a king sized pity party complete with:
Dark chocolate
Coconut milk Vanilla ice cream
Espresso w/ cream
The puppy.

Why not the family?
Oh because they would set me straight.

Stephen got called early to go underway, as most of you know.
Not a big deal, we're used to him going underway.
Kyle & Abby did not really detox so we figured we'd be just fine.

HA!

HAHAHAHA!

They were MUCH better than I anticipated.
You see, a small voice told me there was a detox coming.
It was right.
Just an example, one day I decided to have a laugh.
My laugh was to count how many meltdowns there were.
It's really at a point of you either laugh or just get overwhelmed.

I started counting at 9:11am when they woke up.
I stopped counting at 3pm.
The count?

TWENTY-THREE
Yes
23.

I'm having a complete human moment, I'm so sorry.
Feel free to say, "Ok Elizabeth, we love you but we'll read the next cheerful update.
Let us know when you're done with your pathetic 'boo-hoos.'"

There was arguing about who would take the first bite of dinner.
There was arguing about who would buckle their seat belt in the car first.
There was arguing about who would help me.
There was arguing about who was brushing their teeth correctly.
There was arguing about whose room we would say prayers in.
There was LOADS of frustration with me because
God forbid
I expected the routine to continue with a slight flex.
I don't mind the timing changing
But breakfast will not be fed to the dog
Teeth will be brushed
Baths will be taken
We will still function as a family and work together
We will still pray over our meals
If you scream and hit at me
You will receive the consequences.

Deal with it.

Now
Now I'm just tired
I don't want to sit and hear Halo being played
I don't want to hear whining because Kaden can't read your mind
I don't want the silent treatment when I ask "How are you doing? Are you ok?" when someone looks like they are about to cry.

On to the upside of life

THE CHEERFUL PART!
I had PT this past week 3 times.
Kyle and Abby came with me each time.
Mrs. D. who works that front office officially fell in love with my babies.
Why?
Because they were/are the ONLY children that can be left in the waiting area
and you won't hear arguing, screaming, or see them running around the room.
Why?
Because Kyle and Abby are those fabulous children who truly want nothing more than to love and be loved. I am so blessed!

PT is an hour long
How many 6 and 9 year olds can sit that long without fidgeting/arguing?
MINE CAN!!!!
And they did!

Mrs. D enjoys them SO much so that when I went to PT without Kyle and Abby today, she was sad.
Mrs. D sent her love and said hello to the kids through me.
Isn't that a great witness to how wonderful they are????

Stephen was gone for a full week.
During that week, Kyle and Abby helped me keep up with the house.
We made a trip to Baton Rouge.


We camped out.


We baked & created.


We played & had dish bubble wars!


We missed our Stephen and were SO very happy when he came home!



I am too exhausted to write more.
There is
a comfy bed
a comfy body pillow for a swollen right knee
a comfy pillow for my head
and an empty bedroom

All are waiting for me.
Who am I to keep them waiting?

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Believe it or not

July has arrrived! There are many goings on and happenings! So much so that my head is swimming and this month has only just begun! For example, June 29 I had knee surgery - went superbly. June 30 Kyle and Abby came home - went fabulously, keep  them in your prayers still. July 2 Micah Robert Kafoure entered  this world and captured the hearts of all who have seen him. Tomorrow is July 4th. HOLY COW!

PIctures!
June 30 we all hung out, ate pizza, ice cream, & brownies and watched a movie. I apologize in advance because my iPod has become the new camera. At time the pictures are a bit dark/blurry.


Daddy loving having his son home!

My baby girl & I snuggling =)


Stephen and I are old school & think if you are part of a family you get to contribute to that family. A few weeks ago on facebook, a friend posted her "chores" list that she created. I took her idea (sorry Betsy!) and tweaked it.


Kyle & Abby were fit to be tied! Summer means fun and absolutely NO reading books, or chores, or anything like that! I am beyond excited to report that day #2 has both kids loving helping. Why? Because they don't do any of this stuff by themselves! PLUS if you make everything a game, who wouldn't love to do it?!




The dark shadow in both of those pictures is one ANGELIC, and I mean that, and ecstactically happy puppy dog! Both of his kids are home and he is getting 24 hr lovins!

July 2nd came early.
Why?
Oh because, my phone went off around 5am with a text.

Meet the TN extension of my family. They are wonderful! I love them! I miss them! I can't wait to meet them! Ok...well, there is really only one that I haven't met. Meet Nolan, Katie, Micah, and Solomon! Everyone is doing fabulously and we are all overjoyed for Katie and Solomon to welcome their second child into their family! They are both wonderful, God-fearing, and loving parents! Nolan will be the best big brother this world has ever seen!

Now, some know that when Kyle & Abby come home, it is traumatic.
However, God in His wonderful mercy has made this transition MUCH easier.
We would still like to request prayers for both children as they are adjusting to being home, for Stephen and I as we face some of the issues that go with adjusting.
The Devil knows how to get at God's children.
It is a fact of life.
God is victorious and we are IN HIS HANDS!
Pray for Stephen and I to be understanding and supportive towards....
each other....
It is difficult when the anger is pointed towards one of us. That one feels alienated and hurt. The other tries to explain but isn't always successful...
the children...
We know that because their faith is not yet strong and they are ONLY children, they do not yet have the discernment of adults.

No, no, no, our family is not having issues within. It is the usual blended family struggles.
Despite all of the goings on, we are remarkably full of joy, peaceful, and loving being together!
Here are a few pictures for you!



In this picture below, Kyle is trying to stick his tongue in my ear!







WE love ya!
We're praying for you!
God is in control and LOVES you!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Part 3

As promised, here is part 3.

We had 1 full week of half days with Kyle and Abby before they were to leave us for 5 weeks.

I put housework, laundry, and every other "responsible" and yet not absolutely necessary job on the back burner.

We went to DQ (don't tell Stephen,) went to the park (see below,) played basketball, and watched movies. It was the best week, in my opinoin that we had had in a very long time. I got to play with my babies and not be concerned about practices, games, and homework.


Below are just some random pictures that I absolutely love and had to share again!

Ok, so the 1st week of June we had a guest. Kaden & Lilly looked SO cute on the bed, I just had to show you! The grand piano was actually from the cabin we stayed at in Blue Ridge, GA. Someday, I'd love to have one! Unfortunately, they are THOUSANDS of dollars!

From here until further notice, are pictures from Indiana.
It was WONDERFUL to be up visiting friends, going to the movies with my brother, spending time with family, and just enjoying being in civilization with NORMAL Midwest people!

Oh how I miss you my Midwest peoples!

(Clockwise from the top left: My sister Sarah, Mom and me, Jon & me, Dad & me =)

The clouds part, sunshine comes down, and we are in the mall! WITH LOTS of GREAT stores!
...and traffic...who knew you could miss traffic?

I drove a "mom" van...it's not mine!
It's my momma's!


Clockwise from top left:
The WONDERFUL Mrs. Mowery and me!
My super sweet Aunt Shawn and me!
The FABULOUS Crystal and me!
Oh how I miss her!!!!!
Heather and me...allow me to quote her...
"I done it to a pig once!"

 

Top to bottom on the RIGHT:
Jon & me and The Avengers - LOVE that movie!
Dawn & me at Starbucks - I miss our conversations!
...and all the free food we get! =)
The FABULOUS Katie K!
Everyone needs a Katie K in their life!
My dear friend Anne W.
Alas, you are no longer "Anne Longlastname"
I am now, "Elizabeth Longerlastname!"
haha!

Look! Look! Our first tomatoes turning color! Well, we technically had a grape tomato that mysteriously disappeared into my tummy one morning before I could get a picture of it.
By the way, these are back in LA. I also took a pic of a MONSTER squash! That squash is from the tip of my middle finger to about 3 or 4 in below my wrist.
HUGE!
Last but certainly not least, some of my beautiful roses.
I love my roses!
...funny, never thought I'd say that. I'm a Gerbera Daisy girl...

Today I went and had my right knee scoped. The doctor had told me previously that he intended to microfracture the end of my knee because of what he expected to find. That would cause cartilage to regrow and hopefully postpone a knee replacement that he expected in the next 2 years.

HOWEVER, I am here to say, "My God's not dead He is fully alive!"
He heard our prayers!
Dr. F. said that my knee looked MUCH better than he ever dreamed it would!
He did not do the microfracturing and I only needed my torn cartilage worked on!
The knee replacement possiblity has been moved to 5+ years out! YAY!
One down side is this, there is ZERO cartilage on the back of my patella.
There was significant scar tissue putting pressure on it as well.
We will discuss what that means for my future when I go back for my post-op.



Stephen made me a gourmet meal of
Bourbon Chicken w/ Quinoa and an absolutely mouth watering salad!

Tomorrow at 5:30pm our babies come home!
June has ended.
July adventures will follow!

Remember, we are praying for ALL of you.
...yes, even if we don't know your name, we are praying.

We love you and remember to keep your chin up!
The sun will shine in your life!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Father's Day - Part 2

Yes, I realize this is way after Father's Day. It is exactly 9 days after. HOWEVER, I have decided it shouldn't wait until next Father's Day. There is a soapbox I will stand on, praise be given, and hopefully, you will not only love the fathers I am connected to, but also gain some new perspective/ open your eyes to just how amazing the fathers are in your life.

Soap Box!

On Mother's Day, we are celebrated. We are pictured as Mother Theresa's (and rightfully so) and told to be pampered by our family. We have high expectations of roses (or just flowers in general,) breakfast in bed, cards, gifts, and a special dinner.

What do we do for Father's Day?

We tell Dad, Happy Father's Day! We might get him a card or small gift. The End.

Now then, my eyes have been opening slowly but surely over the years. This year I feel as if the good Lord has reached down and forced my eyes open to see just how well taken care of we women are. In my immediate circle, there is my #1 Favorite Person in the whole entire world. You can look right...he is the handsome man in the picture with me. =) Extend that circle to my side of the family - you have my MOST amazing Dad and my FABULOUS brother. Turn to Stephen's side, you have his WONDERFUL Dad and his FABULOUS brothers. I'm going to go through this backwards...talk about spontaneous!

(Yes, Stephen, I know you are laughing. There is still order and ridiculous amounts of organization in here. But I'm trying!)

Stephen has 2 brothers. The oldest one has a son and wife that he would do anything for. He works very hard 6 or 7 days a week in order to provide for his family through construction work. He has a heart of gold that is completely turned toward his family.



 The younger brother, Jacob, has 2 children and a lovely wife. Jacob started out in the military, where he met the lovely wife, and once he was out immediately began a journey to gain a degree. I can't tell you what the degree is in, because I can't remember. Let's go with he finds Physics and other ridiculously challenging subjects simple. Therefore, he's uber smart. Back to him being a Dad. Do you know what he does? He goes to school, full-time. Except for this summer he has been working diligently to get a degree so that he can provide a comfortable lifestyle for his family. This summer he took on a bigger challenge. He and his lovely wife decided that she would go to school full time. Someone had to take care of their darlings, and Jacob stepped up to the plate. He became Mr. Mom and has successfully taken care of two children under the age of three for the past couple of months. How many dads willingly take that challenge on?



(for more of Carolyn Allen's work click here. She is FABULOUS!)


Jim? Oh he's wonderful! That would be my father-in-law for those of you that don't know. He is a gruff old bear on the outside. On the inside is an absolute heart of gold. How do I know? Well, go read about what he did the week of my kidney surgery. Add to that, this has been tough semester on my mom-in-law at work. There are a million changes going on plus she is taking care of more people. On Mother's Day, he bought her some beautiful flowers and got the family together FOR HER. He has been taking her to dinner randomly, simply so she doesn't have to cook and can enjoy a few moments of relaxation. There are a million more things that he does, but I'm not there to see or hear about them all. How many dads/husbands do this?


(This is an old pic. Sorry that Audrey isn't in here. We'll have to take a pic of him w/ all grandkids next time we're down that way!)


My dad? My dad has had a very growing few years. He has changed. The Lord has done a wonderful work and continues to work in him. You see, there are some situations outside of our control. We feel helpless and lost in those situations. Instead of my dad telling people to, "toughen up and put your big boy/girl pants on," he became Christ-like. Dad took a step back and surveyed the situation. He has become a servant heart. When there is not strength or energy, Dad provides the strength and laughter (aka energy) to make it through. When the light seems to be turned off and the darkness is closing in, Dad opens the Word and lets it light the way. When we kids turned our full vent of childish frustation on my father, he opened the Word and took solstice in the fact he was making Godly decisions. If Dad had not stood upon the Word of God, we (all six of us) would not be who we are or where we are today.

Granted, I'd rather not be in LA, but that's beside the point.

Dad is amazing. He deserves the best.



On to my brother. I don't always see eye-to-eye with him, but there is no denying that he is a good dad and a great husband. Solomon and Katie are parents to 2 adorable little boys! Solomon sacrifices precious time in order to provide a comfortable life for his family. He works very hard at his job so that Katie is able to stay home and be a full time mommy to these two precious boys. Solomon is solidly grounded in the Word of God and it shows in how he is raising his family.

(To see more of Molly Denson's work click here.)
(To see more of Stacy Joyce Kennedy's work click here.)

Now then, on to MY FAVORITE!!!!!! Yes, I fully intend to brag about how amazing he is. However, the bragging will be limited to how wonderful a father he is. I'll leave the bragging about his "being a husband" skills for a later date...which by the way, I'll just say he's the best.


Anyways! Back on topic.

 In 2002...November to be exact, he entered into fatherhood. Stephen Kyle Langenmayr entered this world and was immediately loved. My Favorite took his role as father very seriously. He played with Kyle, worked hard to provide for him, and in 2005 helped bring Abigail Mae Langenmayr into this world.

In 2010, Stephen (My Favorite) had a very large and painful change come into his life. He became a single dad. How many single dads do you know of? Prior to Stephen, I didn't know of any. He willingly put his career in the Coast Guard on the line in order to keep his children. In June of 2010, Stephen moved to FL to be closer to family.



You can't deny that this man loves his children. In December 2010/January 2011, Stephen and I had decided we were going to for sure get to know each other. Sounds funny, but you have to understand something. The best way to help you understand is to open the door to my house and let you in on a conversation. It was later in the evening and Stephen had come to my home in Lecanto to talk. It was THE talk that was to determine our decision on seeing each other. After awkwardly listening to me ramble, Stephen point blank asked if I thought he and I could date. Obviously, I said I thought we could. No, more than that. He wanted to know if the children, our Kyle & Abby, were a deal breaker. If I wanted him, I had to understand the children came with. There was no exception or any other option.

The man was putting happiness, because yes we were very happy together, on the line for his children.

Who does that?!

I looked him in the face and told him that Kyle and Abby had to be part of the picture. There was no way I would try to tear his children from him. I knew how much Kyle and Abby  loved their father and I also knew how much Stephen was willing to fight to keep his children.



There really isn't anything he would not do for the good of Kyle and Abby. If you look closely at those two pictures on the bottom right, you will see a corn stalk stuck in his shirt and him messing with Kyle. The corn stalk was because Stephen and Kyle were trying to sneak up on Abby & me in the corn maze. The boys (Kyle and Stephen) decided Daddy needed camo. The other picture was to make Kyle laugh. He was hot, tired, and ready to go. What I didn't catch on camera, thank you dear camera battery for dying, was Kyle bursting out laughing so hard he almost fell off the wagon we were riding.

My Stephen? Well, most people hear he is in the military and ask which branch. When I tell them he is in the Coast Guard 9 times out of 10 people scoff at it. Why? Because most people think that he doesn't do much. Do you realize it was the Coast Guard (CG) that helped $600 BILLION get down the river a couple weeks ago? Yeah, if they hadn't been there ya'll would have lost a LOT of product. Go see what all merchandise is shipped on the MS River.
We are a new family. We are only 366 days old. Stephen knew full well it would be difficult for Kyle & Abby when he had to go underway again for the first time in 2 years. In order to take care of us and give us the best life possible, he took a promotion. That promotion landed us here. He is underway every other week. There are times when trips are extended or he has to go to CG schools. At first Kyle & Abby struggled greatly when he was away. They were afraid he was going to leave them as well. As time wore on, it became easier. When they realized it was not easy for me having him gone, they dealt even better with this situation. Every night, without fail, Stephen will either call or text while he is underway. I can't tell you how many times he has been so exhausted he was practically falling asleep on the phone, but he wanted to be able to talk to his babies and let them know they were loved. For me? What did he do for me? He encouraged me. He prayed for and with me. Stephen lets me know he loves me not just at night, but also randomly throughout the day. He gives me insight on why Kyle & Abby act certain ways. How? Because he loves those children to the depths of his soul. Why? Because he knows I love them and wants to help me reach Kyle & Abby right when and where they need it.

I know the wives of everyone of these men. But my question is, do we see all of the little things they do for us? I don't. Do we let them know how much we truly appreciate them? Or do we, like most, on Father's Day say, "Hey good job, but keep trying."

I don't think we should. Andy, Steve's oldest brother, works incredible hours to provide and does countless things to let his family know he loves them. Jacob, Steve's younger brother, goes to college full time and became Mr. Mom in addition to countless other things he does on a more personal level to let his Kelly and children know he loves them. Jim went out of his way to come take care of an in-law he barely knows, works very hard, and does his best to let his family know he will be there for them through thick and thin. My Dad works a full time job, takes care of things around the house, is a full time supporter emotionallly and spiritually for my momma, and takes care of us kids (all 9 including in-laws) to let us know he loves us. Solomon works full time and does his best to spoil his family to show his love. Stephen became a single dad just to be able to keep his children and then married me...need I say more?

Celebrate the dads in your life. Let them know you appreciate and love them for all of the sacrifices they make.

I hope you celebrate the dads in your life. This short (figuratively) post doesn't do these men justice. There are at least 8 other men in my family group that should be up here, but there isn't time nor words enough to do them justice.

Praying for you all! Love you all! Go tell those dads that you appreciate and love them! SPOIL THEM!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

One of Three

I've been told for...a long time, that I need to be more assertive. It gets me into scrapes. Scrapes where I get cornered or gyped. I don't like being assertive at times where I could say something that will hurt someone's feelings or cause problems later. i.e. I would rather just let someone corner and hurt me than drag it out and deal with a thorn in my side.
At times, it has reduced me to tears. Other times it has caused me to be so stressed I literally go home and sleep until the next day. Every time the end result is a need for a horse fix.
Some people use partying. Some people go punch something. Some people go for a run. You know what you do to calm down and get back to your normal happy self.
I spend time with horses. There is a connection there...a peace. A horse is such a large powerful animal. These animals are also incredibly sensitive to the mood around them. Being near a horse that is able to read your mood, and improve it is surreal. There is no connection like it. They see the emotional puddle you are and don't care. You can sob into their necks and breathe in their sweet scent without any comments, without any prejudice.
I need a horse fix.
Once you have finished sobbing, they let you climb onto their strong, broad back and carry you on the wings of the wind. In essence, you fly across the fields and through the trails in the woods. There is a solid 1,500 lbs of muscle under you that is so sensitive to how you sit on their back and how you hold the reins, that they will smooth out their pace to comfort you. When you are ready, the power is turned on and you charge down those same trails ready to take on the world.
Your emotions are back to calm. Your hurt has been soothed away. Your joy has been returned from those simple few moments of freedom where nothing mattered other than you were flying.










I'll write more later. Post 2 is my belated Father's Day. Post 3 is adventures! =)

Can you guess what I would absolutely LOVE to be doing? No? Re-read this post...
 

Monday, June 4, 2012

God and His Spotlight

Yes, I just posted the other day. HOWEVER! Today class we learn about a very novel (sp?) idea. You see, optimists struggle sometimes with ...ok... this optimist...struggles with seeing the glass half empty. I can't tell you how many times I remember my mom asking me if the cup was half full or half empty. Well, DUH! It's half empty! ...yeah, I wasn't quick at picking up the lesson. I have it now! It is ALL in how you look at something!

Interesting that my sister in law is helping me relearn that lesson, unbeknownst to her. I hope unbeknownst is a word - I like it.

Anyways, she gave me a FABULOUS book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

I recommend it. It will take you a minute to get into her style of writing, but I love it now! Anyways, it's all about perspective and giving thanks. In Chapter 7, she is telling the story of Jacob when he wrestled with God.

You would not believe how many times it took me to spell "wrestled" correctly - embarrassing!

There is some significance there that I had not known before. She tells of a time that a pastor spoke on this story. At the end of the wrestling, God touches Jacob at the sinew of his thigh and dislocates it.

Me? I say, OUCH! and get on to the next part of the story. However, and I am going to research this, the significant part I mentioned is in those very words. According to this pastor, the strength of that specific part of the body is so strong that a horse could not break it.

I am a horse lover. They are gentle giants for the most part with very complex personalities. They are meek. Power under control. A horse has the power to nuzzle so gently that its whiskers will tickle your neck. It can also kick hard enough to break solid wood and or a human bone as if it were a toothpick. On average, a horse will weight 1,200 to 1,500 lbs. That is muscle. This pastor says that approx 1,200 to 1,500 lbs of muscle cannot kick through the sinew of the thigh. The very part that God popped out with a simple touch.

Top it off...speaking of perspective...


Jacob went from fearing for his very life when he was to see Esau (blood brother - twin brother - the brother he betrayed) the next day, to saying,

 "For to see your face is like seeing the face of God..." Gen. 33:10b

How? Why? Are you kidding me?! Finding favor in his brother's eyes after everything Jacob had done was the same as seeing Almighty God?! WHOA!

Check out the book. I promise it's life changing!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Grace

You must understand something. My brain has taken a leave of absence it seems. Also, in my defense, I just had a stint pulled out of my kidney and that was just Wednesday. SO....when I say, "here is the newest addition to my family!" I meant today.  Today is the day I will show you a picture or two of the happy couple! See? I tricked you!



You can't deny the love between these two! Enough about them, they are the more reserved type. If they read this blog, I really don't want to offend or embarass...I'm just excited for them.

Guess what! Steve & I went for a walk with Kaden tonight! Yes, I realize the excitement level for such a statement should be about a one. But let's put some background to it. I haven't gone on a walk since May 1st. I couldn't do it. So...WE WENT FOR A WALK TONIGHT!!!!! (that's a level 10!) We saw the most beautiful moon beam shining across the river, Kaden swam in the river, we met a sweet older lady, and saw a glorious sunset. Do you understand the level 10 now?

AND we went to the state park yesterday. It was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful! There was a clear blue sky, a cool breeze, and lots of sunshine! We went to fish. Steve caught all 5 fish of the day. They were beautiful! How is it possible that God can create such beautifully unique creatures with such depth of color add to that, not one is the same as the other?! What a truly amazing God we serve! The butterflies were out in mass that day as well. And as we all know, that meant my ability to keep on track with a conversational piece was out the window. Honestly, I remember one conversation going something like this, "Stephen, do you think - OH LOoK A BUTTERFLY! - that we might be able to -OOOOh! did you see that bass????" Yes, folks, I am very much like Dorie. But for all of my distractability, I am learning there are some pretty black and white areas of my life. For example, the other day we had some friends stop by. Ok, our only friends here so far. Anyhoot, the husband made a comment of wanting to continue vacation and not get up early tomorrow. I can't remember the exact comment I made, but it came out something along the lines of, "Poor baby! I bet B got up with C all night, made it out of bed by XYZ time, and took care of everyone without complaining."

Isn't that awful!??!! I am so not sympathetic sometimes! If someone said something like that to me, I'd be upset! ..well, maybe. Fortunately, he was a good sport and fired back at me. Now that I see what I said in print, it is even more heartless! YIKES! Thankfully, my husband loves me and won't leave me!

Well...Kind of.... He's kind of leaving me.

Stephen leaves for school on June 3rd. (aka tomorrow) He comes back on June 8th, goes underway June 9th (yes, the day after he gets home) until the 19th or 20th, works in port, goes underway June 25th. Wait...that day sounds familiar...hmmm...what else could have happened on that date?


Oh yeah! We got married!

Thankfully, God gave us this past full week together. We needed it. We needed to be able to spend time together and just chill. I wish I had blogged more simply so you could know how much we enjoyed all of it.

There is more to write about but Stephen is playing Halo and a very annoying person is singing as they play. He plays on Xbox Live, which is how we hear what other people are saying. I think we need to turn it off...they have some pretty colorful words!

Friends, it is 10:53pm and I have to be up early so I can be ready to drive Steve to the airport.

By the way, because Steve will be gone so much this month, I get to spend a week in Indiana. I can't tell you how thrilled I am!

love ya! Keep your chin up! God's got a plan!